


To Catch a Unicorn

by orangeCrates



Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 20:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4033684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangeCrates/pseuds/orangeCrates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone knows you need a virgin to catch a unicorn (unless you want to try that outdated trick where you let a unicorn charge at you and step out of the way at the last moment and hope you timed it right so the unicorn impales the tree instead of you). The problem is that there are plenty of virgins for hire putting up ads on the internet but it's hard to know for sure if their credentials check out until someone does or doesn't get charged by a unicorn.</p><p>Luckily for the Al-Sayf brothers, they don't have to bother with all that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Catch a Unicorn

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a joke.
> 
> Also, the Encyclopedia of Things That Never Were is, in fact, a real book. A real, beautifully illustrated book.

"...profits from unicorn-hunting were so high that the dangerous practice continued until one of the hunters happened to take his virgin daughter on a hunting expedition. To his astonishment a unicorn trotted out of the forest and approached her with such affection that she was able to hold its head in her lap....

After that, virgins were in great demand as unicorn lures. Unicorns seemed to feel that the loss of a horn was a small price to pay for virginal embraces."

— Page, Michael and Ingpen, Robert. "Unicorns." _Encyclopaedia of Things That Never Were_ , 1st ed. 1985. page 82.

Up until about ten years ago unicorns were still thought to be extinct. Even now they were rare enough that, when Altair caught rumours of one appearing in a nearby town, he had made a detour there even though he hadn't been hired for the job.

There was already a crowd gathered there, almost everyone looking like a strange mix of curiosity and irritability (unicorns were majestic creatures but awful pests because they are territorial, trampled and ate the crops and were surrounded by so many protection laws they filled an entire page). Everyone, that is, except Kadar who waved at him cheerfully from where he stood in front. He had a tranquillizer gun slung over one shoulder while leaning against a wooden fence. Beyond it the unicorn was grazing in a field that was probably originally the feeding ground of some cattle before they were, inevitably, driven off.

"Hey, Altair." He made no move to unsling the gun, which was just as well. The people who thought that hunters in the past had only failed because they didn't have firearms were always left dealing with an angry and still very much living unicorn.

Knowing Malik, there was probably a plan somewhere. Speaking of...

Altair looked around instead of acknowledging Kadar's greeting. "Where's your brother?"

Kadar grinned and jerked his chin up, indicating the direction Altair might want to look in.

And there was Malik, climbing over the fence with some rope coiled over his shoulder, the left so that he could reach it with his hand. (The sight of the pinned-up sleeve still pulls a pang of regret and guilt from Altair, but it is an old thing now, something Altair doesn't dwell on because it changes nothing and because it was self-serving when Malik has already forgiven him.)

He didn't appear to be carrying anything else and no one else follows him in.

Altair frowned. There was a reason virgins were used: unicorns were too smart to fall into traps. Malik should know that. He was the one who was always reminding Altair that he needed to do his research beforehand. If this were some cocky newbie they were talking about, Altair wouldn't be this invested in trying to figure out what was going on, but there is no way Malik would try a new trick when there was a perfectly simple, well-documented and safe way of getting this done.

At his side, Kadar's stance still looked loose and relaxed, but his hand were positioned such so that he could unsling the gun if needed. Malik had spent years drilling it into his head the importance of being prepared, and it showed.

Altair's hand twitched for the gun he kept at his side, but he made no move for it. Whatever was happening, there _had_ to be a plan and the last thing the Al-Sayf brothers needed was for someone to mess with it, no matter how well-meant the assistance was.

Meanwhile, Malik still walked serenely towards the unicorn until it lifted its head and nickered. It shook its head for a bit, then, to Altair's surprise, simply walked towards Malik. He needed the time it took the unicorn to cross over to where Malik was standing and nuzzle him for Altair to realize what was happening.

He gaped as Malik took the rope from his shoulder and looped it loosely around the unicorn's neck and it just let him.

Kadar, now completely relaxed, snickered, "The thing about hiring virgins is that you can't check their credentials, you know?"

Malik didn't even have to tug on the rope when he walked, the unicorn simply followed him when he went to stand in front of them with a scowl. The crowd around them applauded and that just made a faint blush appear on Malik's cheeks.

"Shut up." He hissed, whether to Altair or Kadar (or both) no one was really sure.

~ + ~

Altair hated driving. His license existed primarily to function as identification and whenever possible, would prefer to take public transit or just hitchhike (and doing it with the assurance that nothing was more dangerous than him). There were a few places like his own home and Malik's office and a few key locations where he had set up spells that allowed for instantaneous travel, but depending on the distance it could be draining.

So there was no reason for him to refuse when Kadar offered to drive him. It was not their car, but a horse truck they had rented. It looked like a regular trailer, except instead of a connected living space the back area was large and open, and the floor covered in hay.

Malik had already lead the unicorn into the back and that was where Altair headed.

All Kadar had to say about that was, "Remember he has to stay a virgin until we get this thing to the zoo!"

~ + ~

There is something very strange about the scene in the back of the truck, that of a unicorn with its head pillowed on the lap of a scowling Malik instead of a virgin maiden with long flowing locks and a white dress.

"Not a word." Malik said as Altair dropped down beside him with a smirk.

"You've really never—"

Unfortunately, Altair had sat himself down on Malik's right. It made it easy for Malik to dig his elbow into his side. Altair hissed at the rough treatment but it only managed to remove his smirk momentarily.

"I said not a word!" Altair did not push for the answer though, since the way the unicorn followed after Malik was answer enough. The truck lurches during the silence between them, and with that they're on the move. There are windows set in the back, high enough that if there had been horses standing in here you could have seen their heads. Malik watches the scenery from there, aware but choosing to ignore the way Altair was watching _him_.

"Why didn't you use sedatives?" Instead of sitting back here where it smelled like hay and horses.

"There haven't been enough studies done on the effects of horse tranquillizers on unicorns." Malik shrugs as he idly pets the unicorn's mane.

He does not say it explicitly, but Altair knows Malik well enough to hear what isn't being said. There was no telling if it would work and, if it did, how it may affect the animal. There were plenty of theories about how the presence of a unicorns horn may affect the way its body deals with toxins or chemicals. None of it was substantiated and, compared to using a method that will guaranteed not to hurt the animal, there was no question about which Malik would choose. Because, despite how Malik presents himself, there is a kindness at his core that is one of the things Altair loves most about this man.

He was helpless, then to stop himself from reaching out and turning Malik's face towards him and claim his mouth in a kiss.

This was the real reason he had come, after all, not to see the capture of a unicorn but because he knew who had been hired to remove it from the area to the local zoo. Altair had spent the better part of a month doing a job up north, and phone calls and e-mails were poor replacements. Maybe it was because this thing between them was still so new, because Altair could still, if he tried, count their kisses on his fingers (but a part of him can't imagine that ever happening. They could be old men and Altair would still want to have Malik close.)

Altair smiled at Malik's sound of surprise, an expression that couldn't be seen but was no doubt felt. There is frown, but it didn't stop Malik from tilting his head, changing the angle to better deepen th kiss. Altair thinks he could have gone on kissing Malik forever, until they were both breathless and Malik's lips were red and kiss-swollen and then he'd just kiss him again, and again to make up for all the ones he had missed because he had been trying to track some variety of evil dwarves in the snow.

Something nudged against his stomach and there was nothing at all sexual about it because it was very obviously the unicorn. It had its head on Malik's lap, but its head is angled in such a way that its horn lay across Altair and, thankfully, was not in a position where it could impale him so it was only turning its head with an annoyed sound, nudging against Altair with the side of its horn in warning. Malik's hand pressed down lightly on its head, barely applying any pressure at all (then again _he_ wouldn't need to).

The unicorn settled down but it glared at Altair suspiciously and Altair glared back.

"They will stay still to have their horns shorn off but not for this?"

Malik only shrugs and leans back against the wall of the truck, looking resigned.

"The zoo isn't far. I'm sure you can wait for another, " Malik pulls out his phone and checks the time, "forty minutes, right?"

Altair's expression cycled through irritated to thoughtful to smug as he snaked a hand behind Malik's waist and pulled him snugly against his side, in the process upsetting the unicorn enough that it flattened its ears and bared its teeth. For that, Malik dug his elbow into Altair side again and it did absolutely nothing to dampen Altair's mood (because Malik has basically agreed to kiss him as soon as there was no unicorn getting in the way.)

It was obvious the unicorn did not like Altair's proximity but was willing to put up with it as long as Malik continued to hold it and it eventually relaxed again, though it did not go back to sleep.

"How long do you think you can do this before you need to hire a virgin?"

Malik only rolled his eyes, "Longer than you'd want if you ask it like that again."


End file.
